... Only well-known footprints in small ones

Spots of sand between the thousands of sharp stones

This place is not made for walking

You have to stay here, yes, you have to stay here

Here the swell is bearable....

... The song lines are playing in my head as I write the lines. I'm just sitting with my fourth chemotherapy.. Or antibody therapy... The song is called - The man and the sea.. Is by Fynn Kliemann. For those who shouldn't know him. But then you missed something, by the way. Just saying Friendos. You know you should listen to this now? - but before I completely drift away from my actual topic, I'll come back to the beginning... If you follow me on instsgram, you may have noticed that my hair is about to say goodbye. I've had a few thoughts. Not about the hair directly, but rather about what it means for me or others to lose hair. Also a bit in the social aspect. Do you understand?

I'm thinking a lot at the moment, after all I'll soon look like Vin Diesel or Bruce Willis. And no, I have no penchant for drama or exaggeration. What I'm getting at is that by the time I go bald.. (regardless of whether I shave it off prematurely or if my hair falls out on its own...) I'll have to see myself in the mirror and realize - ok. You're sick. Don't get me wrong I know I don't just have a cold. The only thing I don't see is this tumor in my breast or the small metastases. I know they exist.. But they are NOT tangible. And that's the crux of the matter. It becomes tangible... It is tangible...for example that I hold individual strands of hair in my hand. It is there. And it's scary. But why exactly does it scare me? Does it scare me because it's unknown? Does it scare me because I now see that I am sick? Does it scare me because from now on everyone else can see that I'm sick? Does it scare me WHAT other people think? how other people look? Or what they say? what scares me I think a little bit of everything. .. A woman has hair. Long at best. That's the common image. Don't you think? Let a child draw a woman.. A long-haired girl will come out.. But is this fear rational? Does it make sense to be afraid? What would be so bad about it being seen that I'm sick? And - what would I think if I saw a young woman with a bald head? Do I automatically think of illness at all? Or do I automatically think of weakness or something similar? Or maybe I see a young woman with a bald head and I think of strength?... Maybe I also think of illness... But in a negative sense? How long would I occupy myself with the thought of the woman? 1 minute? Or 2?...More probably not...So is my fear really justified? Does it stop me?... I'm thinking about what the OTHERS might still be thinking... Maybe they're really thinking: 'wow the bald head suits the woman'.... or: 'Is that a trend?'. .. or also: 'maybe that's a hairdresser'...do you know what I mean? We very often assume the worst, but we don't know if that's really the case. We're not doing ourselves any favors... Yes, it sucks to be bald, yes, there's definitely going to be a LOT of talking.... But for how long? 2 days? A week?... maximum. Then the next drama happens in the village and you become uninteresting. That's how it is with everything. Why do we care what the couple in the restaurant across the street might think? What's in it for me.. I know it's hard to get out of that mindset and it won't bring my hair back...But maybe if I can learn to take things for myself and not take them for it, it will bring me some strength and quality of life to be interested in what society might think, do or say. Because society only sees me for a moment of its life. And my life too. And that's why I don't want to have to limit myself because of such trivialities.

It's my life... And I don't know society...And society doesn't know me either. So...

Think about it for a MONEY.... Oh yeah, and while you're thinking about it, I'm going to collect some inspiration for weird hairstyles a la Prince Valiant and similar calibers that I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT miss on shave day ! So see you soon dear ones, "I don't know if you knew it".. but I'm going to flack myself on my divan now! - Rüdiger Hoffmann - have fun!

By Michelle Schreier @howtogetawaywithcancer